Breaking the Stigma Around Fertility Challenges
This is an unedited transcript.
Hi. Welcome to MOMDAZE, a beautiful collective of mamas and experts, sharing wisdom, inspiration and life hacks to support us on this journey through the hazy days of motherhood.
Welcome back to the Mondays podcast. I’m your host, Holly Lowe. And I am thrilled to have a guest joining us this week, Emily gas gets sorry, Emily gets. I love it. And my daughter was almost named Emily, we went with Emma. So Emily is still a favorite of mine. But Emily is the founder of day one. It’s a first of its kind, fertility support network. And I loved as soon as I read everything about what she’s been doing, I loved every part of it, because it speaks to me, it’s a big part of what we do. And it’s so desperately needed. On top of that she has her own podcast, you’re gonna want to check that out a membership program. Again, you’ll want to check that out. I believe the only one of its kind in Canada, correct. And lots of things going on. You’ve got a growing community. And I love that you’re with us today. And I appreciate your time. So welcome, Emily. Give us a little, you know, maybe a little more you can build on that about what you’re doing and why.
Oh, my gosh, thank you so much. That’s a great introduction. No, I’m just, it’s so nice to be speaking about fertility with people that aren’t always speaking about it all the time. And it’s always a pleasure to be a guest on a podcast to help shed light on a topic that is experienced by many but spoken about by few. So thank you for having me, and just being open to talking about this on your platform. So thank you. Yeah, absolutely.
Tell me Tell me a little bit. Why? Why did this become something that you brought to life?
So I have, I’m in the midst of still now going on about three years of quiet exit quest for the baby. I have a four and a half year old son. And you know, we conceived him very quickly had a very easy pregnancy. And fertility was never on my radar at all. And it usually now only is if it has to be. And that’s really what happened with us. We’ve had a tricky time getting to our second that have involved a late term pregnancy loss rounds of IVF IUI is miscarriage DNC is have kind of had the gamut over the past three years. I’m still in it today. And and that’s sort of what why do you want exist is there is a, I believe a gap in Canada specifically, but you know, worldwide, around support education. And just speaking about in normalizing the conversation, I mean, when I was in it, I just there wasn’t really a resource for me that I felt called to or that I related to, and I was sort of like, I can’t I fill that gap. And so that’s sort of what Dave was doing. It’s a really interesting time to be in, like the thick of my own fertility journey. While building a fertility Support Platform. I think it’s a little bit of the magic dust of day one. But it is a fine balance. Because now this is sort of a profession for me and work for me. So that’s sort of the the story in a nutshell. But you can go on to my page, and there’s a lot of information on the details of our own journey. But that’s the why
I love it. I can very much resonate with that. That’s sort of what my story is, too. And it’s amazing to me that there isn’t more of this available in fright. I connected with a just a by chance through another friend in the US I connected with a fertility specialist in the US who hopefully at some point can have we have her on as well. But the conversation comes up a lot as well even in the US that there really is nothing except stigma. There’s nothing to be found that’s positive, surrounding just fertility in general. And one of the things I love about what you’re doing is it’s not day one infertility. It’s day one. Oh, right. We have two more it’s just starting with that the terminology and starting with the wording that has become so clinical. And you know if You’re cold and very negative. And I love that you’ve changed that just from the very beginning. And I love
that you caught that. Yeah, you know, word in fertility signals in fertile. And, you know, that’s just not the case you’re struggling or you’re having challenges or you have issues with your fertility. But if you want a baby in this world, and you, you have options to get there, I say I’m hesitant in saying it, because I think access to care in Canada is quite low and medical interventions very expensive. So I say this from a very privileged place. And I recognize that, and that is something that, you know, people that are working in the industry, whether that be experts, specialists, doctors, you know, people like myself, are trying to advocate to change. But all in all, it’s, we’re not infertile, we are, we’re fertile with some bumps in the road, big bumps, big mountains.
Absolutely. And that’s the thing is until we, I think even as women are recognized in that category, if we can start to change, and a lot of what we’ve been talking about in the weeks leading up to this is about the conversation, the conversation about our cycles, how we view them and talk about them to our daughters, the conversation of our reproductive health, in general, our hormone conversations, all of those things. If you look at it historically, even it’s got this crazy, deep seated negativity that women have carried. And you know, if you if you believe in that whole generational side of things, and how that carries in our wounds and our reproductive bodies and everything, there’s, there’s no surprise to me that we’re going to face some struggles in some cases, right?
Yeah. And we can all guess who named these terms, they are not women.
So that is important to distinguish. I mean, I’ll admit, I’ve met some beautiful male doctors over the years who are advocating strongly for women’s health, but they will also be the first ones to say, we still don’t know, we can’t know what it’s like to live in your skin to know what it’s like to be in your body. We can just know the mechanics of it. And, you know, I’m grateful that there’s some that are advocating, but for the most part, they’re not so
yeah, and I also think fertility is a simulated with women and, you know, 50% of the chance it’s not and that is a whole other kind of boat to consider, which is male factor and male infertility. And people get pretty far down the line without checking on what’s going on on that side. And because of shame, and because of masculinity and because, you know, no one is educating that it could have be on that side of it as well. And so it is a I always I you know, I say that this isn’t like a one out of six conversation. This is fertility isn’t like if you’re experiencing it. That’s it, it’s six out of six, if you’ve ovaries, you’ve sperm, like you’re part of this conversation. And for we got lost along the way, in terms of that.
Agreed. And that’s actually one of the conversations I had with one of the moments I met her in business group, she said, We need to talk about this, and she’ll be on the podcasts to coming up. She’s like, we need to talk about the fact that whoever talks about male fertility, like if you never hear it, it’s always there’s something wrong with the women. And that’s something that for the past three years, my husband and I have been, you know, facing as well as going through our journey to try to conceive again. And the idea that in the very minimal amount of testing that I managed to get taken seriously and have done as a whole other story. He was last in the process, no matter how much I asked, and no matter how much I put that in the forefront and saying, I am perfectly healthy, there is nothing going on wrong in my body. Please do further testing with him. He was more willing and ever needed done. The fact that that wasn’t even heard or acknowledged until much later. It just You’re right. That is a it is a whole other conversation. But it’s such an important factor in this when you’re talking about this conversation of Exactly, yes. Yeah. And they’ll stick us right on we’re looking at stigma as the stigma that women are, you know, malfunctioning your body isn’t functioning, there’s something broken about you. And the reality is, it’s gonna take both take this work, right. So share with us a little bit what are some other stigmas that you you’ve confronted even personally, but maybe that you’re dealing with in your business as well? All that you see are pretty common.
I mean, some some of it is common. Some of it is just personal and what you know, the environment you’re in and the family that you’ve grown into. But I think secondary infertility is a really hard one. There’s a stigma where, you know, you didn’t have issues conceiving the first time. And the so why would you have issues conceiving the second time, you should be grateful that you have your one kid, there shame to wanting to have more? There’s a lot that goes on, I think in in that conversation, in general, and then I think it’s, you know, a stigma is also around women later in the workforce. So women are working a lot longer and wanting a career and speaking to their employers about it, there is worry that that’s going to impact your career. And if you don’t have an employer that is supporting fertility, you’re in this weird spot. I think those are those are just two of many, the male factor is a huge one. And I just want to say that, because I feel and the men that have been on the podcast and that I’ve speaking to, it’s also wrapped up in their masculinity so hard, that they have secrecy on a whole different level that they have to get over and they have to work through and then their partner has to work through that. So it’s so layered fertility. There’s so many different levels. Definitely it is, it’s
that proverbial onion. was in in Shrek the perimeter, I mean that we just keep peeling back. But it’s true. There’s, there’s really so much wrapped up in it. And even, you know, coming from my perspective, before I went into this journey of actually struggling with my fertility at this point. Like I had no issues getting pregnant, I, it was easy. My pregnancy was beautiful, everything was great. I could have a career having babies like we joke about it that put me back 20 years ago, and I could have been a surrogate and I would have done all these things had I known right that my days were limited. And there, there really are a lot of factors that are built into that. And part of what we’re we’ve done in the past in my programs is fertility, cleanse, and fertility, nutrition, and anything we can do to get that groundwork laid to get the best chance possible. But when I delved into that, and again, I was only working in the fields that I am comfortable in qualified to work in, right. But when even touching on some of those things, it was so eye opening to me to see how much you could really go down a rabbit trail of Wow, there is a lot of information just poured out at women, obviously, because we’ve just talked about that. That’s the main, you know, person we’re throwing this all at, and it’s very overwhelming. The information was overwhelming, the opinions are overwhelming. How do you wade through some of that and find what works for you? Or what doesn’t without feeling bogged down? And maybe that’s not possible? I don’t know.
It’s such a great question. And I think part of it is, unfortunately, a little trial and error where you’re just having to try certain things that don’t necessarily work out. I mean, they always say typically, the first IVF cycle is a learning cycle, which is like very hard to hear. But you kind of have to get you have to go through each step. So I think you can’t expect to know everything. If you’re at the beginning, you have to know what you know. And hopefully you have people and resources in your life that can help guide you in making the right decisions. But I think it comes down to feeling like you believe in what your doctor is saying to you. And getting off those calls and feeling like I believe in this protocol. I understand what they’re saying to me. And if you are getting off your calls with your doctor and you’re feeling confused, and you’re feeling anxious, and you know, you’re having all of those emotions to it, that’s a red flag that you’re either not educating yourself enough that you don’t have belief in what your doctor is saying to you or something doesn’t feel right. And you kind of need to go through each phase feeling like you are doing the best with what you have available and the deeper you get into fertility them More information you have, which is also just, you know, it’s hard. It’s, we you only know what you know. So the intuition and the gut, for me has been my guiding light and, and doing the mindset work and doing work to actually be able to listen to that, and not say, Oh, I didn’t feel really great after that doctor’s appointment, well, I’m just gonna go with it. And then you go with it, and then you go through your cycle. And then you feel like, Oh, I wish I did this. And I wish I did that. And so my best advice, I’d say, what, if you’re feeling something inside your body? That doesn’t feel right after those calls? To investigate that a little bit more?
Absolutely. I’m so glad you brought that up. Because we, we are often taught to shut down our intuition, right? And just trust the professionals or trust and we do you have a place for that. I think you’re right. And that mindset work is very important, I find in a fertility journey of any kind, even if you haven’t even gone on that first step of that journey, you don’t even know if you are able to or not able to or what you’re thinking. But if you’re just concerned about your fertility, health and your reproductive health, and overall, one set, please, we’ve got three brains going on, right? We’ve got our, our gut, our heart and our brain, and they are all intertwined. They all work together. And they all have to somewhat cooperate and keep advancing for that to work. And I love that you brought that up because it can like in that overwhelm stage. I know that I’ve felt, I think it can be very easy to shut that off and to shut off that voice when you really need it.
Yeah, I mean, I think timing and wanting to get to the baby as fast as you can, is like typically somebody’s like number one priority. But sometimes that can actually make things slower. Because you’re shutting down to your point. And some of those anxieties are intuition, because you’re like, well, this, I don’t even want to deal with maybe feeling like not great about this call, because then I’m gonna have to book another call with my doctor and that might persuade you had a cycle, and I don’t want to push out a cycle. And so that’s I mean, so leered fertility is not just like a doctor’s appointment. And then it’s, it’s, it’s just so convoluted in the sense that you’re fighting against what? Well, I mean, for me, I’ve completely taken the timeline thing off of my chest, which has been huge, but for a lot of people, it’s you’re fighting against your own timeline. And if anything, whether that’s a gut feeling, or anxiety, if that is gonna get in the way of pushing anything out, you’re choosing to smack that down. And what I would say is, you’ll probably get to what you walk faster if you listen to that part of yourself. But it’s really hard to do. And I’m not saying I’m an expert in it, I’m just saying I’ve had experience doing both. And I always now and like if my gut is there, some anxiety rumblings in me, I typically will stop and address it.
That’s amazing. Yeah. And sometimes it just simply means sitting in it for a little bit, sitting, sitting in that decision sitting in that news, whatever it is, feeling it out, you know, talking it out, whatever that you know, all
of the all of it, it’s like just not reacting, I mean, not reacting, it’s really hard for me to do, and it’s a practice. It’s a practice, but I think you’ve made such such great points, like, you know, it’s, it’s getting the energy out, and then just making sure you feel good about the decisions that are in front of you.
And if you don’t, then you go that next step, you have another conversation or you look at another option, until it clicks. And it does I have figured that too. I mean, I just experienced this recently, and it’s something that I’ll be talking about further on in these podcast episodes. But like I said, we’ve been doing this for three years, I’ve been working with various specialists, I’ve tried to do as much of it without doing any major interventions. You know, if I don’t have to, you know, I have my own kind of my own boundaries of what I’ve said. We’ve made those, those decisions of where we’re at and how far we want to go. By but it was funny because I realized after I finally said, you know, I am going to call this fertility clinic that did call me back for two years. I tried to get in during COVID I tried all kinds with Doctor referrals without Doctor referrals. Nobody was taking us it was just it was crazy. So I was working with what I had, but I finally got in with one very reputable one in Toronto and the first conversation I had with this doctor, he was very impatient, very rush To get me off the phone, I have to tell you that one. But his first thing he said, after I listed out, he asked me all the questions, no health concerns. No, no everything that I’ve had previous practices, everything’s great. I got to the end, and he said, so are you? Are you doing IVF? And I said, Not at this time. He said, Well, bottom line, you’re just told. And that was the end of the conversation. And I went, and well, I don’t know what you want me to do. That was his words. Exactly. And I was like, wow, like my heart went through so many feelings right at that moment. I’m like, first of all, I know how old I am. I know I’m capable. I was pregnant six months ago, for three, almost four months, you know, I’m capable of making a baby at this age, I still can. I know what stacked against me all those things, right. And I already said all of that to him in our conversation, but to be shut down so quickly. And first, I was angry, like, you know, shocked all these things by how abrupt His manner was because I wasn’t going to increase his numbers for successful IVF or whatever procedures they’d make money off of. And I literally at that point, just went, you know, I appreciate your time. This is not going to be a good fit. Thanks, anyway, and goodbye, and hung up the phone. And for me, that was a big step. Because I am not, I’m an introvert kind of person. I’m not confrontational. But I was shaking, like my hands really shaking when I got off the phone. And my husband was like, what went down? He was so angry. I told him, We all went, but like, That’s so rude. Like, why would they talk to you like that? But I felt good once I processed it. Because I felt like I actually advocated for myself, I kind of stood up for myself and went, No, no, I, I know what I’m capable of. I appreciate your expertise. But wow. Like that was not called for. And I share that only because it’s, it’s again, I’ve come a long way in that mindset. Whereas if that had been three or four years ago, I would have got off the call and been devastated. And just stood in that for days and felt, you know, sorry for myself, and then all the things were now after doing the mindset work. After talking to the experts. After going through some of the experiences we’ve been through the last few years, I was able to say, You are not the right person to work with. Not not for me, thank you, you know?
Well, first of all, like, fuck, that sucks. I don’t even know. Like, it’s just the craziest thing to have doctors working in this industry that treat patients like that is Yeah, bananas. But yeah, like, I think yours was like the extreme because you want to even work with the doctor like that. And it’s just so disappointing, because you kind of wait and like the night before, you know, you’re having this call, and it’s so much anxiety, and what are they going to say and, but and this is why fertility is hard to it’s like, you could talk to four different doctors, and they’ll all give you a different opinion. And so you like which opinion, are you going to? And do you have the right opinion? And could you talk to there’s always another options to like, consider. And like putting the boundaries that takes time, like you it takes time to figure out what your boundaries are and what you’re comfortable doing and how many opinions do you want to get? And it’s just, it’s this, I say it’s like a journey, it’s a really is a journey to you. Like, I think when you are on a fertility journey, they’re like, Journey to the beat and like no, like, I’ve learned more about myself than I have, in anything else I’ve ever gone through the girl you know, and the mindset or the growth or your evolution as like a human being is far like supersedes, like anything then that you could possibly go through. So sometimes I’m like, grateful for the struggle because of how much I think I’ve grown as like a person. Yeah. On this
gratitude in this process, I think you’re you’ve won half the battle, because it really is a huge weight for many. And you know not to shorten that or discredit that in any way it is a weight it is it is a burden for some to carry that and to work through that. And there’s going to be a lot of strain and stress and heartache that may happen through that process. But I think in anything in life, if we can take that journey and find the gratitudes or find the growth you’ve already won, right in that sense.
So no, I totally agree. I mean, I, you sort of have a choice of how you want to view your life and how what thoughts are going to serve you to help you move forward. And after you’ve grieved, whichever loss you You have, and you’ve gotten yourself out of bed, and you say, I’m okay, like, I’m ready to come back into life mode. How do I want to view this? How do I want to learn from this, so I don’t feel like it’s just constant knives in the heart, you know, every single time. And that has been really important for, for me to, to do, and to pick my thoughts has been really important to me. And, you know, I, day one is a huge mission that we have is, you know, how do you integrate the struggle into your life instead of have it take over your life? Yes. Because it’s the long game, and we need to figure out, like, how do you live a life that has joy? How do you live a life that has, you know, laughter and fun and, and, and go through the hardest thing that you can go through. When you’re surrounded with people that aren’t going through it, it’s this, I’m telling you, it’s like, you know, keeps going, how just complicated how fertility hits, every part of your life hits your bank account, it hits your physical, being, your emotional being your relationships, like, you know, it really touches every single aspect of your life. And so, how you want to go about, like, you’re on the journey, like, you know what I mean, you’re, if you have decided that this is what you’re doing, you’re doing it. So now we have and this is what we talk I talk a lot about that with members about is, well, now we have a choice on how you’re doing it. You’re it’s happening for you guys, like you’re about to go into an IVF cycle. Now we can choose how you’re going to do it. Yeah. And we need tools, we need a community. And we need somebody to be sharing this type of information. Otherwise, when you look on social right now with infertility, it’s it’s one linear way, you know, it’s the struggle, the struggle, the struggle, heartbreak, heartbreak rubric. And that’s there, I’m not here at all to take that away that that it will all exist. But it can exist for 100% of your time, or it can exist when it’s supposed to exist, which is like when you’re really in the depths of your like retrievals, and your depths and your transfers. And there’s moments that that can exist, but you got to let you got to crack open the rest of your life and figure out where the light is going to come in. And I don’t see that type of content. Enough.
Agreed. Absolutely love how you that was a good visual, it’s it is that cracking it open, because it’s funny, I went down that path as well of tracking and cycle tracking and testing and all the things and I remember the anxiety that would build every cycle that I’d go through. And for me, the clock is ticking. And I know that I have limited, you know, time and resources available to work with. So I put a lot of pressure on that it was actually my older sister who’s who we do a monthly podcast together on here. And she’s like, why I put a deadline on it, I put a number to it. I was like by this birthday. Nothing’s happened. I’m done. And that birthday came and went and I remember crying and just saying, I’m not done. I’m not done this is we still have to keep going. And she’s like, well, who put the date on there? And I’m like, why did
we love putting dates on?
We need a deadline, we need that we need an end. Well,
this is no roadmap, it’s trauma. And the idea is, why would you think your trauma is gonna go on for years? You can’t you have to almost do that. And then say, oh, but um, like, you’ll know when it’s done. It’s okay. It’s okay to mourn it. And to be like, Oh, okay, it’s I don’t have this baby yet, but I’m actually not done.
Yes. And that’s exactly what came out of that it was that, okay, I need to approach this a little differently. It’s more of the, I would like to you know, I’d like to see things progressing by this time or by this date or have this in place. But if it doesn’t, we’ll reassess when we get there. Right and, and not let that take over my joy not let that steal my joy of my every day, and be able to have that light shine into the other parts. But But like you said, there’s this it’s a roller coaster, it’s this. It’s this up and down of stages through each process, whether it’s treatments, whether it’s cycling, whatever it is. There stages of you know, I posted this today in whatever groups I’m like, if I see one more pregnancy announcement, I’m gonna lose my you know what, it’s just, it’s that feeling of today is one of those days. You know, I can be grateful for what I have, but I can also grieve what I’ve lost, and 100% then there’s gonna be the days where the light shines in full blast, and you’re like, life is good. I’m grateful. Everything’s wonderful. We’ve got this, and then there’s gonna be the days where you can’t get in bed because it just feels heavy. And that’s all Okay, it’s all okay.
It’s the end. It’s not the other, it’s, you know, we’re people that go through fertility. It’s like, we’re the master of multiple emotions, you know. And I also, you know, it’s interesting. It’s like, there’s, there’s, what, 10 hours in the day, let’s just say 810 hours a day. You know, it’s like, okay, this hour everyday might suck, or I might have anxiety, but what could I do for another hour, that’s really great. Like, there needs to be balanced. It’s like, you would never go to an amusement park and get on a roller coaster by yourself. You know, you’re getting on the roller coaster with everyone else because or with all of your friends, because you understand, like, you know, once you get off, it’s so much better because you’ve dealt with it with people. And that is what’s happening right now is people are getting on roller coasters. Totally alone. Yeah. And they’re coming off. And they’re like, holy shit. That was a craziest roller coaster ever. Can you imagine me other than pure? Like, I don’t know what that I don’t know what that is. And that is the best way to it’s like, it’s been a roller coaster. Yes. But people are doing it on their own, then they’re coming off of it traumatized of this, like, loop de loop. And this, like drop that you didn’t see coming and expecting support in some way or the other. And I’m always like, get on my roller coaster. You can be either in fertility or not, you know, like, family friends that are not going through this can come on that ride with you, if you if you want them to. And it just makes it. It makes it better.
Yeah. And that’s why what you’re doing is so important, because that village that support system, that conversation, all of those things it is it’s shining the light on it. And it’s it’s letting them see the ups and downs be a part of that process with people who, like you said maybe are going through the exact same thing. Maybe you’re going through similar maybe not at all, but there’s an understanding, and a collaborative there that oh my gosh, like it is so needed.
Yeah, we just had an eight week miscarriage in February, and part of me felt bad because I told everyone we’re pregnant, like really early on. And then I’m like, Oh, my God, these people went on this insane journey with me this like, everyone, obviously, they’ve been with us from losing Ruby, who we lost when we were six months pregnant. So they’ve been like, with us. And I was saying to a friend of mine the other day, like maybe I just won’t tell anybody. The next time we get pregnant because I can’t even deal with, like them dealing with this with me at the same time. And she was like, nope, everyone’s good to come on the roller coaster. I’m like, Oh, we can handle it. And I was like, oh, okay, you know, but I would never think that if I didn’t let them in a little bit. So,
yeah, I agree. And it’s a beautiful reminder, when people do say that, because I’ve learned we just did that recently, too. With our 13 week loss. I’ve never been. Yeah, and I’ve never been quiet about it. We only think we waited we did wait to tell our kids because this is something they’ve wanted so badly. That’s probably more than we have put it that way. No,
I feel that pain. So I actually told
I remember at my husband’s like, he was okay, I’m like, well, we we announced it on tick tock more than a lot earlier because I was doing week by week videos for people of pregnancy week by week and what to expect and all those things. And it stopped abruptly at you know, 12 weeks, my last fall big video and I I was very hesitant to jump back in obviously took time to grieve and all the things but I was hesitant to jump back in and pick that up. But I was overwhelmed by the amount of messages from people, even people I knew who had had, you know, miscarriages in their life, but I’ve never shared their story. And finding out they lost them at four months and had still versus eight months. And I didn’t know these things. And until I opened up and said some of these things. They were like, Thank you, you know, thank you for just being vulnerable enough to share that we’re on this ride with you. We’re cheering you on, you know, I wouldn’t have had that I would have gone through it. Like I did my first time. You know, years and years ago, at my nine MC loss, I would have gone through it quietly and holding it in and grieving to myself and carrying it for years. So I think there’s something very valuable to that as hard as it is and as broken as we made me feel at the time. I think there’s something beautiful to that process of sharing too. There’s a healing to that. So I think yeah, I think we should always
Yeah, and like what a 14 weeks is just
it’s tough. I know, well, six months, right? It’s it’s not at that, you know, you’re in the clear and you feel good and everything’s wonderful, right and you’re safe to go ahead and plan and yeah This that one hit really hard. But it also like, like we’ve talked about, it also brought its own growth it brought, it opened up a lot of things, it showed me even more, you know, of where I was going and what I wanted. And, and there was just a lot to it, there was a lot to process and a lot again, it wasn’t just me, it was me and my husband and our three, right kids were all old enough to understand the process and to grieve themselves. So that was hard. But it was also an incredible journey. It was an incredible process for our family. That, you know, not that I wish that on anyone or go looking for that kind of growth, there’s probably better ways to grow in those areas. But let’s adapt to my children. Now, there’s a thing in their heart that that I think, can be beautiful. If you if you take it the right way, and you go the right way with it.
Yeah, I mean, sometimes I feel when I say this, I’m just making this way to less emotional and to objective, but you know, we’re dealt the hand of cards in our life, and you either can resist them, and, you know, fight every tooth and nail that this is the deck of cards that you’ve gotten. Or you can look at those cards and say, okay, like, how do I play this game. And that, that image for me also helps because it’s so emotional fertility, like everything’s so emotional about it. And sometimes you need to just take a step back and be like, okay, like, this is just what’s on the table. So so I got to figure this out and live my life and around the pregnancy announcements, just to loop to that, because we get a lot of questions around this on day one. And I, me personally, I don’t get triggered by pregnancy announcements. Because I just struggle with comparing infertility, like I just feel for myself, like I just, if you put me and someone beside me that had the exact same prognosis, and we went and did the exact same thing, we still can’t guarantee we’d get pregnant, like my biology is never is not the same. So and this is again, mindset work. I’ve done years of this to to be able to speak like this. But what I think about is, you don’t know what the future holds. So, yes, maybe someone in your life has been able to get pregnant really quickly, or somebody in the journey or is getting pregnant, and you’re not. But I don’t know what’s going to happen in 510 years, I don’t know what kind of child they’re going to have, I don’t know the health of their parents, the health of their partners, like you don’t know what their stroke, what their story is going to play out. And this is just our shit right now. Yes, that helps me a lot with pregnancy announcements, where I’m like it just do you girl, you know what I mean? Like, go do your life. Every in everyone’s life, there is something that is hard to get over, you know, whether that whether that’s the way you were brought up, whether you’ve had a parent that’s passed away, you know, we’re all going to get there.
We all have partners, that’s what it is all have our mountain, we’re all going to face something and it doesn’t necessarily have to be this is not a moment.
It’s hard. I’m not, I am not saying that. Oh, my God, a pregnancy announcement comes in and I’m like, no, like, I have my moments. I’m not saying I’m perfect. It’s just there are times that I could catch myself and say, okay, that I don’t need to go down the comparing rabbit hole. And that’s, that is a lane for me. That is a boundary that I’ve put up like I just do not let myself even let the thought of comparing come in because it doesn’t serve me. And it’s actually not even realistic. Like it’s not apples to apples. Maybe if this game was apples to apples, it would hurt. It would be hard. But um No. And again, I want to preface by Yeah, I want to preface by saying like, I’m sure people are listening and be like, What the hell’s this girl talking about but and I can totally I can appreciate the trigger. I can appreciate the activation that seems somewhere. That’s the other thing with pregnancy. It’s like it’s so visual. You can’t hide it. But there has to be such a big belief and doing the work and around believing this is going to happen. And and knowing that if it doesn’t, you will figure that out.
That’s right. That’s right. Yeah, your your whole Oh, this is something that I took me a long time to understand your hole no matter what, you are you your whole, it might not feel okay. Right? There might be times where you feel like it’s not holy, you’re missing something, but you aren’t you are whole as a person. It’s what you’re adding on. It’s all you know, and I hear that often when people it’s thank goodness, it’s been rare for us, you know, they’re like, Well, you have three beautiful kids, why do you even care? You know, why are you having more? What’s the big deal? And I don’t expect people to understand that that’s okay. And I can’t I don’t expect to, you know, I don’t think I want to think that I understand what it’s like to not be able to have any and be struggling. It’s it is a different story. But it’s a taste. For me. It’s a taste of all the years I’ve worked with clients as a doula, I mean, I, I’ve been doing this for almost 20 years, and to experience that world and to live in that world every single day. This was the first time it hit hard. It was the first time in my life that I actually felt that pain, it was the first time I could relate on that level, with these mums that I had worked with for so many years. And it’s it’s interesting, it was actually that was one realization. I said, like, if I can take a grateful moment out of this, it’s that I cannot relate, you know, I can, on a small level, maybe but I can understand so much better and so much deeper, and so much more this process and these, these beautiful women that I’ve had the privilege of working with over the years, and how to serve them better and all of that. So
when you’re ready, and only when you’re ready, or only if you’re open, you can look at your entire life as a gift is just,
yeah, well, it’s a victim. We’re victorious. That’s what I always say, I love that. You’re victorious. And it’s that applies in every scenario that you go through in your love that that’s right, it can happen to you, it can happen for you. If you’re right, it’s so much of it is how we perceive it. First of all, how we take in that information, what we do with it then, and how we walk that out in our in our day to day life.
And the thing is, is first of all, I think everything you’re saying I’m like, oh yes, I’m goosebumps. But the thing that gets tricky is if you don’t have people in your life that talking like this, yes, like if if this isn’t dialogue that is in your everyday life, you can’t access it. And the reason I have access is I have a mind coach, I’ve hired a mind coach, I’ve been with her for a year and her her existence in my life has allowed me to do this. And that is what the day one membership really is. It is a community that is talking like this. Not all the time. And we all have our vent moments and our sad moments and all but at the helm, I am in there in the group to speak like this. This is the these are the conversations we’re having. So a lot of reframing a lot of looking at things differently. That some people walk away from our events, sessions, really feeling it I’m sure others are like that wasn’t for me, but just interjecting new ways of thinking about this experience is so important.
Agreed agreed. And that’s the powerful thing about what you’re doing is you have the opportunity to speak life into situations that don’t feel life filled. You know, and again, like you said, it’s not ignoring or or brushing over the stuff that’s going on, it’s a safe space to do that it’s a safe space to vent. It’s a safe space to cry on each other shoulder, but it’s also a safe space for you to build to say Alright, how are we going to move forward? What’s the goal? Yes.
And the difference for me is like I I am not a group person. I’m not like a joiner all the time. And so, and this the support groups that are available, which are great, I’m not saying they’re not they’re very knowledgeable. But they’re 1000s of people and you join this Facebook group and it’s kind of just thrown in the way you’re thrown into a fertility journey and the membership is designed to not feel like that it is designed for like we we all call it like the non support support group. I love it, you know, and because because I have the opportunity to do this the way I would want it to look and that’s why there’s up that’s why there’s a price tag to this. That is why there is not just like a here pay to be part of a Facebook group and like to each their own. It is not like that. It sort of is a bit of like a mindset reframe community that has all the things you want in a support group but also has just new ways and access to experts and just Like, basically, because I’m in it with you, I’m like, Oh, I really liked that. Oh, we’re gonna add that in. So it’s just this magic right now. In the community. Yeah.
I love that. Yeah. And on that same point of groups, I mean, the number of groups I’ve left over the past few years, and I still get tagged in certain things and certain posts, and, you know, to add my expertise, or add my two cents, or whatever it is. And I go in, and I’m like, Oh, my, you know, the judgment and the overwhelm, and the opinions of non expert opinions. I mean, not saying that you have to be an expert to have some advice. But these groups are sometimes so that’s where I was finding the overwhelm. That can be so overwhelming and suggestions, tips, yes, I did this, I did this, this worked for me, you know, getting your hopes up, getting your hopes, dashed, whatever that looks like, where as 100%, you know, it is worth it to pay for a membership, where you are going to have someone at like you said, the helm of the boat saying, Okay, I’m guiding you through this. I’m going to help you navigate. You know, I’m not going to be necessarily the leader. I’m going to be the facilitator, though. And I’m going to keep that voice. Yes. You know, that reframing and in that mindset place that we need it to be to help you be successful through this.
Yeah. Beautiful. Thank you. Thank you,
thank you for doing what you’re doing. And don’t stop. I love it. I will definitely put up your links so people can find you. Is there anything you want, you know, our listeners can know about you, we have programs or anything you’ve got going on in your membership, anything further?
Oh, um, well, Mother’s Day is coming up. And this will be if you join before Mother’s Day, we’re doing our first in person meetup on Mother’s Day. Because like, again, it’s like, let’s let’s just be together on a day that, you know, is can be triggering. So it’s our first time we’re all meaning, which we’re really, really excited about. And then what we’ll also be launching on Mother’s Day will be the pregnancy or, or after loss, or after a journey or after trauma, membership. It won’t be as curated as the other one, but it will launch and if you because I’ve been there where you’re pregnant after years of infertility, and you don’t know what to do, it comes with a whole other host of anxieties and overwhelm, that you also want to be celebrating your bump. And this is a place to celebrate it, to embrace it to show the ultrasound pictures to get support. There’ll be experts that will come into that group as well. But if and then if you’re in the membership, trying to conceive membership, and you get pregnant, you can toggle between the two until you’re kind of finished with the first one. So we don’t want our members to feel like they get pregnant and now they have nowhere to go.
Absolutely. No, that makes total sense. I love that. It’s such a nice transition. Yeah. Great. Okay, cool. Excellent. Well, thank you so much for your time. I hope we have more conversations about this because me
too and good luck on everything. You as well.
Stay in touch right now. Okay, good. Would you like to learn more? Find me on Instagram and YouTube at Monday’s podcast.